Pity Party

Food.

I love it.

Taste. Texture. Temperature. Spicy. Salty. Savory. Sweet. Creamy. Crunchy. Crisp. Deep fried. A la mode. Covered in cheese. Smothered in gravy. Mmmm . . .

Food.

I hate it.

Calories. Carbs. Saturated fats. Cholesterol. Sodium. Gluten-free. Vegan. Paleo . . . So many choices. So many rules. So many contradictions. Eggs, avocados, wine – good one day, bad the next. Why is it so difficult?

And now I’ve got a pussy of a pancreas making it worse. I need to eat regularly. I need to keep things in balance. I need to baby this stupid thing or else it revolts and bad shit happens. It all comes down to food choices.

I’ve got a dietician who’s tried to explain it to me.

Good snack = X carbs, Y protein, Z fat

Good meal = X carbs, Y protein, Z fat

I'll walk out of her office thinking I know what I’m doing. Next thing you know, I'm having a meltdown in the bread aisle at Walmart. (True story.) Do you know how many different varieties of whole wheat bread there are? Seriously, I'd like to know. I lost it somewhere around the fifth loaf. I just wanted to make a fucking sandwich!

And then there’s the price thing. The healthier the food, the more it costs. WTF?

• MacDonald’s will sell you two Big Macs for $5 or a grilled chicken salad for $7.
• You can get a pound of fatty hamburger (75/25) and a box of Hamburger Helper for less than $4. A lean cut of beef will cost you twice that.
• You’ll spend twice as much on a bag of oranges than you will on a bag of donuts.
• You can get a two liter bottle of Coke for a dollar OR you can pay 75 cents more for a 16.9 ounce bottle of water.

It’s no wonder poor people are fat!

And I've noticed that:

• It’s easier to drive through KFC than it is to roast a chicken at home.
• Domino's will deliver a pizza in under 30 minutes -- faster than you can make a spaghetti dinner.
• The Chinese takeout places are open hours after the grocery store closes.

It’s no wonder busy people are fat!


Me? I don't have a lot of disposable income. And I don't have a lot of free time. Yet I need to figure this shit out -- and sooner rather than later. I feel like a salmon swimming up stream. (P.S. I hate salmon.)

So, welcome to my pity party. There’s no cake. Yeah, a party with no cake. It sucks. I’m leaving too.

Rock Bottom

This rock bottom is Bandinelli's "Hercules and Cacus"

statue in Florence, Italy

Well shit.

Apparently if you treat your body like crap for decades it rebels.

I'm 49, probably 70-80 pounds overweight and have the Fat Lady Trifecta:

• High Blood Pressure
• High Cholesterol
• and Type II Diabetes.

Isn't that special? To make things worse, I battle with depression, self-medicate with carbs and I really don't like to sweat.

I was diagnosed with diabetes about 18 months ago. I've done a horrible job remembering to take my medication and watching what I eat. I need to change. I can make great plans but my follow through stinks.

BTW, I have issues -- besides the ones mentioned above. I'm disorganized. I lose things. A lot. I'm also a perfectionist. I get frustrated when I can't do things right and quit. Sometimes I can't figure how to start something and quit before I begin.

I think I've finally hit rock bottom. So now what?

I've heard food journaling help. I was on Weight Watchers years ago and lost 40 pounds. (I found it again!) But writing down everything I put in my mouth is tough. I get busy. I forget. I get pissed at myself.

Still, I like to write things down. It makes it real for me. It's nice to look back and see progress. Or maybe see where things went wrong.

That's probably why I blog. Unlike a physical journal, I can't lose it. I can go back and edit when needed. I can organize thoughts (pages) into like groups. I can add pictures. I don't need to try to decipher my horrible handwriting later.

So . . . for now . . . I'm going to write down my journey. I wonder what this blog will show a year from now.

Will I finally lose weight and control my blood levels?
Will I be dead?

Let's hope for the former! Now it's time to stop whining and start making goals. S.M.A.R.T. goals. I have a problem with doing too much, too fast and burning myself out. So here are my baby-step goals for this week:

1. Find my Fitbit. Charge it. Wear it.

2. Make an appointment to have my medications refilled.

3. Drink at least four 20 oz bottles of water each day this week.

Wish me luck!