Gratitude

To be completely honest, I tend to be a negative person.

• I see the glass as half empty.
• I look for angles and ulterior motives in other people's actions.
• I plan for worst case scenarios.
• I wear my skeptic hat with pride.

Sometimes this is good. For example:

• I don't run out of gas thinking I "can make it a few more miles." Nope. Gas never gets below a quarter tank on my watch.
• I seldom get caught in a scam. I assume all salesmen are lying. I believe that if something appears too good to be true then it's either not good or not true. 
• I keep first aid kits in my house and my car, just in case. (And yes, I'm CPR certified).
• You know when the news says you should have X, Y and Z to prepare for a hurricane? Got it!
• I've never been bitten by a snake, attacked by a bear or struck by lightening. Why? I follow safety protocol.
• And I will totally kick ass in a zombie apocalypse. (Doesn't everybody have a zombie plan?)

But there are drawbacks to having this type of personality:

• I don't like change and often view new things with distrust.
• I hold grudges.
• I don't like compliments. (I have a hard time believing a compliment is sincere.)
• I'm uncomfortable accepting charity. (It leaves me feeling indebted. I hate that.)
• I don't like asking for help. (It makes me feel incompetent.)
• I find cheerful people annoying -- especially cheerful morning people.
• Team-building exercises are excruciating. I hate role-play and I prefer to work alone.
• Parties are exhausting. I can spend an intimate evening with 2 or 3 close friends. I love that. Or I can be in a large crowd of strangers I'll never see again (like a concert). That's actually exhilarating. But to be friendly and interact with a dozen different people for hours is just draining.  

It's difficult to admit this stuff. Fortunately, this is a private blog and I doubt anybody will every read it. Yea!

That being said, I'm trying to change. I'm sure I'll always be pragmatic, but I don't have to be unhappy. Right?

Last year I wanted to add deliberate acts of gratitude to my life. I saw this on Facebook and decided to give it a try:

This activity forced me to look for good things. I didn't add notes consistently (that's a whole other personal flaw I'm working on!) but I did write 20 or so. This evening I opened the jar and read the things I'd written over the past 12 months.

• Some were huge: No one was hurt in my son's car accident. Insurance covered everything.
• Some were small: The robins have returned. Spring is here.
• Some were a change of perspective: The frustrating cut in Hubby's hours at work dropped us into a lower tax bracket. We got a refund for the first time in five years.

I am in tears and my heart feels 10 times bigger. This is definitely something I'm doing again. In fact, the first note in the 2018 jar reads:

Overwhelmed with gratitude by last year's January jar. Life is good!