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I was doing good and then somewhere in the Fall I said "fuck it." I don't know why.

        * I stopped working out.

        * I stopped going to Weight Watchers.

        * I stopped taking my meds regularly.

Not surprisingly, I put weight back on and my headaches returned.

I broke out my fat clothes.

I pouted.

In November I went back to Weight Watchers only to discover that the plan had changed. And my old phone wouldn't support the new app.

I pouted some more.

In December I got a new phone and made a doctor's appointment.

Yesterday I went back to Weight Watchers. I'm at 200 pounds on the nose. I've gained back 20 pounds. WTF?! I sat in on the New Member briefing -- again -- and learned about the new program.

I went to the doctor (with a raging migraine) and renewed my meds. I set up appointments for a colonoscopy, a mammogram and blood work. (Yea for being 50 -- NOT!) Then I threw up from the headache and spent the rest of the day in bed.

So I'm trying again.

Again.

Me Minus 30

So things have been slow. My resolve is waning and I've slipped back into bad habits -- too many sweets, not enough movement, sporadic tracking.

I still go to Weight Watchers meetings. I step on the scale every week and hold myself accountable.

Despite my self-sabotaging, I've managed to lose just over 30 pounds. Had I been vigilant, I'd be a lot thinner by now -- but dwelling on that doesn't help. (I say this aloud because though I know it to be true, I still beat myself up regularly.)

I took the dogs to the beach last night. I was wearing size 14 jeans (yea!) and a baggy t-shirt because I'm not comfortable with the rolls of fat above the waistband.

My husband took this picture. I look mean but thinner, especially if you compare it to my beginning photo. And here are the numbers:

Starting weight: 214
Current Weight: 181

I'm about halfway to my goal. Damn this journey is hard.

Kelley Climbs!

My weight hasn't changed in months.

I know why.

It's me being stupid. It's me being lazy.

I ( finally!) got tired of whining about it. I found a Groupon for a local rock wall gym and said "What the hell."

Honestly I didn't last long. And I never did make it to the top. But …

I did it.

I'm sore. Really sore. Rock climbing is a full body workout. And I had a full body to pull up that wall! But …

I did it anyway.
I didn't wait until I was thinner. I didn't wait until I had more money. I didn't wait until I had more grace and skill.

I turned 50 and decided that I'm tired of waiting for "the right time." I've wasted too much time waiting. So …

• I'll do it fat.
• I'll do it broke.
• I'll do it awkward.

Yea me. This is another bucket list item to cross of the list.

I'm hoping this will motivate me to get moving again. Squats and push-ups will help get me to the top of the wall. Whining and eating junk food won't.

Today I'm getting back on the program. Not tomorrow morning. Not next weigh-in day.

TODAY!

And next time I'll have more flattering pictures. Thankfully nobody is looking at this blog but me.

Plateaus Suck

I've hit a plateau on my weight loss journey. It sucks.

I've been losing and gaining and losing the same two pounds for the past 6 weeks. It's frustrating.

I know part of the problem is that I've been slacking. I'm not tracking regularly, I'm not always making wise choices and I've stopped the squats.

AND I've stopped blogging. That's a bad sign.

Why am I sabotaging myself?

Every Thursday I write notes to myself in my WW My Success Story booklet after weigh-in. "The program works if you work the program" and "Track more, walk more, lose more." I'll track, but by Sunday I've slipped back into the bad habits. It's frustrating. I just can't seem to break the 30 pound down threshold. Grrr . . .

Tears of Joy

I stopped by the doctor's office today to see if I could get the results of my last A1C. Several months ago I was at 7.5. Since then I've been working hard to bring it down. I was hoping to be under 7. Well, the magic number today was 5.6. FIVE POINT SIX! I was so overwhelmed that I sat in my car and cried.

I also had my InBody Scan redone at the gym. Those numbers are improving as well. My total weight and body fat mass are both lower (not by much, it's only been five weeks). Even better, my skeletal muscle mass went up. Why? Squats! (Actually, exercise in general. But telling myself it's the squats helps me hate them less.)

I've still got a long way to go on this journey to health. However, it's nice to see that I'm headed in the right direction.

Yay Kelley!

Me Minus 20

I stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers this week. I'm down 20.2 pounds! I think that's worth celebrating. Noticeable changes include:

• My face looks a little thinner in pictures. (Unfortunately, the double chin is still there.)
• My jeans are sagging. The crotch hangs lower, allowing my thighs to rub together. This has caused a bit of a rash that my husband calls "Chub Rub." I had to buy a belt.
• My work shirts are more comfortable.
• I can take off my wedding ring.

And the numbers are:

Starting Weight: 214
Current Weight: 194

Hubby and I took the dog to St. Augustine today. (Trying to get those steps in!) Here's a picture of me, Jedi and a random pirate. → I still don't like the way I look in pictures. But . . .

Baby steps, Kelley. Baby steps.

Vacation Challenges

Times Square!

I just got back from an awesome vacation. Three friends and I went to New York City for the Westminster Dog Show. This was one of my bucket list items and I saved for two years to go.

NYC was overwhelming. We were there 5 days/4 nights and barely scratched the surface. In addition to a couple days of dog shows, we saw Wicked on Broadway, a comedy show in a dive club, ate dim sum in Chinatown, rode the subway, met a rude cab driver, visited the 9/11 Memorial, got a hot dog from a street vendor in Central Park and so much more. Our hotel was in Times Square and it's true that the city never sleeps. I didn't sleep either. I averaged 4.5 hours a night and tried to get in a 20 minute nap daily. I'm still catching up!

One of many!

As much fun as the trip was, there were a few challenges. Food was very expensive. There is nothing low fat in NYC. Portions are larger than I'm used to, and I didn't track anything in my Weight Watchers app. I shared food when I could, but I still ate like crazy (hot dogs, bagels, pizza, cheese cake and the world's best Rueben sandwich top the list).

Surprisingly, I gained less than half a pound. My Weight Watchers leader gave me kudos. My Fitbit said I walked 31.37 miles in 5 days, so I think that helped.

Next time I go to NYC (and yes, there will be a next time!) I will make sure to see the Statue of Liberty, the Natural History Museum and the Bronx Zoo. And I will definitely bring a good pair of walking shoes!

Bread

Remember my melt down in the bread aisle at Walmart? (My husband does!) I wish I could say I've gotten over that. I haven't. Bread still gives me problems. For the past few months I've been sticking with Arnold Sandwich Thins. They come in different varieties (the honey wheat is my favorite).

They're 3 WW points each and a decent source of carbs. However, I'm looking for something new. Hubby braved the bread aisle with me last week and he found a couple things worth sharing.

Ole Mexican Foods Xtreme Wellness tortillas are the bomb. These are a good size and quite flavorful. AND they're only 1 WW point each. I made burritos with extra lean ground beef, fat free refried beans, salsa, fat free cheese and light sour cream. They were sooo good and fit into my healthy eating plan. Very encouraging.

Here's another 1 WW point surprise, Joseph's Flax Oat Bran & Whole Wheat Flour Pita Bread. It doesn't exactly roll of the tongue, but it does make the taste buds happy. I like to stuff them with oven-roasted turkey, field greens, tomatoes, purple onions and fat free ranch dressing, Yummy!

So I can walk down the bread aisle a little easier now. And I can eat a sandwich or make a quesadilla without freaking out. I can be healthy and still eat like a "normal" person.

I Did It!

Saturday was the Chariots of Fur 5K. I walked the whole 3.1 miles.

In the cold.

In the sand.

In an hour.

And yes, I got a freakin medal! See? →

Mark that one off the bucket list.

I'm not nearly as sore as I thought I'd be. The legs are fine. It's my lower back that aches.

I'm so proud of myself that I'm going to sign up for another 5K next month. Let's see if I can do the next one in under an hour.

Assume Nothing

You know the old saying about assuming? Well, it applies to healthy eating as well. I've hit a couple stumbling blocks during this journey.

First of all, labels on the front of the package mean nothing. They're all lies. You have to read the nutritional labels. Some of my shocking discoveries are:

• "Fat free" often has extra sugar added for flavor.


• "Sugar free" can have added fat for flavor. Also, I recently learned that sugar substitutes can make you gassy.


• "Serving size" is subjective and often unrealistic. Who eats only five potato chips or drinks half a can of Coke?


• "Healthy" is a marketing ploy. Advertisers use that word hoping some poor sap (like me) will fall for it. "Heart healthy" foods may contain ingredients considered good for your heart (like oats), but the label doesn't mean that unhealthy ingredients (think high fructose corn syrup) aren't there as well.


• "Gluten free" means there is no wheat gluten. Unless you actually has celiac disease, it has no bearing on whether something is a good food choice. Often sugar and/or fat is added to make up for the missing gluten, so the gluten-free choice may have more calories than the regular option. "Gluten free" has become the latest fad among food companies. Seriously, keep an eye out for gluten-free labels next time you're shopping. You'll be surprised what you see.


• "No added sugar" is a deceptive phrase often followed by a teeny tiny asterisk. I've discovered the hard way that it does not mean sugar free. For example, peaches are zero points on the new Weight Watchers plan. I love to put peaches in my oatmeal, but they're not in season right now. I bought a package of frozen peaches, "no sugar added." Are they zero points? NO, they are three points for a serving. Apparently, whatever is done to the peaches during processing involves a lot of calories, but since sugar was not added to the peaches, they can technically use the phrase.


• Like items do not always have the same point value. For example, I've become quite fond of flavored fat-free Greek yogurt. I usually eat the Dannon Light & Fit brand. They run two WW points a container. Well, I accidently grabbed a similar looking store brand last time I was out. I ate it before I scanned it. Big mistake! That yogurt was 120 calories and a whopping FIVE points. I happened to get on the treadmill that day and noticed it took me 34 minutes to burn 120 calories. Grrr . . .

I've gotten to the point where I use the WW app to scan/look up everything. I'm trying to be mindful of my choices. Is a small glass of a good wine worth four points? Yes! Is a bad wine cooler worth six points? Nope. I throw away food all the time because "it's not worth the points." Sure, I still eat chocolate from time to time, but it's a damn good piece of chocolate now and I savor every bite!

Hopefully, one day I'll have a list of good "go to" items and making food choices won't be so time consuming. Until then, I expect to spend an hour or more in the grocery store every time I go. It's exhausting. I just keep telling myself that a year from now I'll be able to say it was worth it.

InBody Scan

The gym offers something called an InBody Scan. First, the personal trainer enters some data (height, age, gender). Then you stand on this scale-like machine and hold out some funky handle thingies. In five minutes the machine pops out a body composition analysis, a muscle fat analysis, an obesity analysis and a bunch of other information.

According to the machine, I have lots of fat. So much so, that it should be impossible for me to drown! Seriously, the numbers were pretty dismal. According to the machine, I am almost 45% fat and my BMI is a whopping 33. In fact, the only good news is that I'm still 5'5" tall. I haven't shrunk since boot camp -- 32 years ago. Also, I have a slightly higher than average skeletal muscle mass. (I want to enter cronehood with as much bone as possible.)

We're going to repeat the test in a month and see if the numbers change any. I'm not holding my breath.

One oddly positive thing: the analysis recommended that I lose 57.3 pounds to reach an ideal weight. I did the math, and now I have a definite goal weight -- 145 pounds. When I started Weight Watchers they asked for a goal weight. I didn't know what to say. I've been carrying around so much extra weight for decades that I don't even know what a good weight is for me. 145 sounds good. Of course, I can adjust that number as I get closer. (I've ben told that Weight Watchers stopped flogging failures in the 80s.)

The trainer also said losing that amount of weight should realistically take a year or more with proper diet and exercise.

A year.

OR MORE.

I'm trying not to let it get me down. It's not working. I've had a lousy week -- no exercising, no walking, lots of stress, some bad food choices. I'm afraid to step on the scale tomorrow. I'm afraid I'll be fat forever.


P.S. I stepped on the scale anyway. No change. Despite my rotten week, I was able to maintain my weight. In my book, that's a win!

Who Farted?

For the past eight weeks I have worked hard to improve my diet. Changes include:

• Whole grain bread/pasta/tortillas
• Brown rice/long grain wild rice
• Salads daily
• Fresh fruits and vegetables
• More protein from beans and eggs
• Less processed foods

Good news: I've lost 13 pounds and my fasting blood glucose levels are between 95 and 115.

Bad news: GAS!

Apparently, this is a common problem. In fact, if you Google "healthy foods and gas" you get several pages of articles. I'm not going to delve into what causes gas -- it's pretty much everything that I'm supposed to be eating. Nor am I going to go into the why. What's important to me right now is what can I do about it? I'm not going back to my old ways, but I don't want to be a walking whoopie cushion either. Here are a few of the tips that I found:

• Give the gut time to adjust. Often the body will get used to the added fiber and cruciferous vegetables.
• Increase fiber slowly. At the same time, increase water consumption. Drinking more water can help decrease the effects of both gas and constipation.
• Rinse beans. Whether soaking overnight or opening a can, rinse those beans before cooking. The liquid the beans are in will contain much of the gas producing carbohydrate.
• Chew slowly and thoroughly. Added air can cause belching, farting and bloating. On the same note, sip water not gulp it.
• Beware of sugar free options. Lower calorie sugar alcohols like sorbitol and xylitol can produce a lot of gas. Who knew?
• Drink peppermint tea. Peppermint tea can naturally enhance digestion and relax intestinal muscles. However, beware of sweeteners. I don't like it strait. Usually I'll add Splenda (to avoid using sugar) but after what I discovered above . . .
• Look into probiotics. Adding helpful bacteria to the gut can ease digestion and reduce gas. Apparently not all probiotics are the same, and some can make it worse, so experimenting is recommended.
• Use over-the counter-medications. Things like Beano and Gas-X can help. Keep them in the medicine cabinet or purse to use as needed.

So, I'm going to go through the list and see if I can stop this flatulence fest. Until then, I suggest everybody stay clear.

What I feel like right now!

Not-So-Happy Anniversary

This week is the anniversary of my very first ambulance ride. Not my best day.

On January 16, 2017, I experienced chest pains, nausea and shortness of breath at work. My boss sent me next door to the fire department. From there I was rushed to the hospital. The good news is that I wasn't having a heart attack. Actually, that's the only good news. I spent three days at the hospital being poked and prodded. My blood pressure was so incredibly high that the nurses were taking it hourly. The bruises from the blood pressure cuff took weeks to heal.

The official diagnosis was angina. Truth is, my body just said FUCK IT, I'M DONE.

I had stopped taking my meds for high blood pressure, high blood sugar and high cholesterol. I ate crap, drank too much, slept too little and avoided exercise as much as possible. I'd been carrying around and extra 60+ pounds for a decade.

I'd like to say that I had an epiphany in the hospital and changed my lifestyle.

I didn't.

Instead, I pouted. I tried half-heartedly, then got frustrated and eventually just stopped altogether.

It sounds so stupid when I say it aloud. But sometimes, I'm just not the sharpest tool in the shed. It took another eight months of feeling bad before I finally thought "Gee, maybe I should do something differently."

And now -- four months later -- I'm still trying to get my shit together. It's a lot more difficult than I'd like it to be. The weight is coming off excruciatingly slow. I still crave sugar and deep fried foods. Forcing myself to exercise is a daily battle.

But I'm moving in the right direction. Baby steps. I try not to think about where I would be today if I had started right away. (It's a bit depressing.) Instead, I'm trying to focus on where I am now. And I like to imagine where I'll be this time next year.

← Here's a current picture. No noticeable changes from the before picture. As for the numbers:

               Starting weight: 214
               Current weight: 204

Baby steps, Kelley. Baby steps.

Numbers Revisited

KISS -- Keep it

Simple, Stupid!

I know I said I wasn't going to make any New Year resolutions. I lied. I made one. I vowed to test my blood sugar regularly. I said I'd prick my finger at least once a day until I got my eating right, and then 3-4 times weekly after that. Guess what? So far, so good.

Keeping track is a pain. There are all kinds of blood glucose logs out there. I think most of them are too busy, too complicated or too expensive. I know me. I need simple. I bought a 2018 day planner at the Dollar Store. It's small enough to store in the bathroom drawer with my glucometer. I write the number, the time and anything significant that I think may have affected the number (i.e. "missed PM meds" or "walked 3 miles.")

I try to test my blood every morning when I get up. On the days I forget, I make sure to test two hours after dinner. I've made some interesting discoveries:

• I can tell when I forgot to take my evening meds.
• My morning numbers are lower when I eat a big lunch/light dinner.
• My morning numbers are lower when I eat a low carb dinner.
• My numbers are lower after I get in a good workout.

My morning numbers average around 115 mg/dl. The American Diabetes Association says that target range for fasting blood sugar levels should be between 80–130 mg/dl so I'm doing pretty good. I feel confident that if I can get my weight down and get a better handle on food choices, I could get this number closer to 80 mg/dl.

The ADA also says that the target range 1–2 hours after meals is less than 180 mg/dl. So far my evening numbers (there aren't many) have been on target. Yay me! Maybe I'll figure this out after all. To quote one of my doctors:

Lord, I'm trying. Really I am.

Weight Watchers and PMS

It's a tough week for me. I've got a bad case of PMS. Among the discomfort and bloating, I'm also cranky and hungry. Normally this is the week that I would eat something deep-fried and/or covered in cheese or a cream sauce. It would be washed down with white zinfandel and followed by brownies. LOTS of brownies. And chips. Crispy, salty chips.

Unfortunately, that's not Weight Watchers friendly. Probably not diabetic friendly either. Dammit. What's a girl to do?

This is what I came up with instead:

• 7 large, garlic stuffed olives (1 point)
• 1 wedge light, spreadable Swiss cheese (1 point)
• 2 tablespoons hummus (2 points)
• 10 sea salt, corn/rice crackers (1 point)
• Carrot sticks (0 points)
• Red grapes (0 points)
• Diet green tea (0 points)

It hit the spot. Creamy, crunchy, crispy, salty and sweet for only 5 points. Definitely worth keeping these on hand for next time!

New Year, New Thoughts

So the new year is upon us. People worldwide are writing New Year's resolutions. I suck at resolutions, so I'm not making any this year. My resolution for the last 20 years or so has been to lose weight and you see where that's gotten me!

Truth is, sometimes I do lose weight. More often I don't. And when I do lose a few pounds they seem to come back, bringing friends with them. It's frustrating.

I've learned that weight loss can be fickle. Sometimes the pounds seem to just fall off. Other times the scale doesn't budge for weeks. It can be disheartening.

I guess Weight Watchers realizes this. In my WW membership book there is a place to write down "Beyond the Scale" goals. I like that idea -- goals, not resolutions.

So here are things I'd like to accomplish in 2018 that have nothing to do with the number on the scale, but everything to do with being stronger and healthier:

• Walk a 5K -- all the way to the finish line!
• Bring my A1C under 7. 
• Climb a rock wall.
• Go indoor skydiving.
• And most of all, I want to zipline across the crocodiles at the St. Augustine Alligator Farm.

I'm stoked! I've been Googling "rock walls near me." (There are several!) And the local news reports that iFLY is looking to build an indoor skydiving center 15 minutes from my house.

OOOOOOH! I think 2018 is going to be a fun year. I'm definitely buying the overpriced souvenir pictures!

Gratitude

To be completely honest, I tend to be a negative person.

• I see the glass as half empty.
• I look for angles and ulterior motives in other people's actions.
• I plan for worst case scenarios.
• I wear my skeptic hat with pride.

Sometimes this is good. For example:

• I don't run out of gas thinking I "can make it a few more miles." Nope. Gas never gets below a quarter tank on my watch.
• I seldom get caught in a scam. I assume all salesmen are lying. I believe that if something appears too good to be true then it's either not good or not true. 
• I keep first aid kits in my house and my car, just in case. (And yes, I'm CPR certified).
• You know when the news says you should have X, Y and Z to prepare for a hurricane? Got it!
• I've never been bitten by a snake, attacked by a bear or struck by lightening. Why? I follow safety protocol.
• And I will totally kick ass in a zombie apocalypse. (Doesn't everybody have a zombie plan?)

But there are drawbacks to having this type of personality:

• I don't like change and often view new things with distrust.
• I hold grudges.
• I don't like compliments. (I have a hard time believing a compliment is sincere.)
• I'm uncomfortable accepting charity. (It leaves me feeling indebted. I hate that.)
• I don't like asking for help. (It makes me feel incompetent.)
• I find cheerful people annoying -- especially cheerful morning people.
• Team-building exercises are excruciating. I hate role-play and I prefer to work alone.
• Parties are exhausting. I can spend an intimate evening with 2 or 3 close friends. I love that. Or I can be in a large crowd of strangers I'll never see again (like a concert). That's actually exhilarating. But to be friendly and interact with a dozen different people for hours is just draining.  

It's difficult to admit this stuff. Fortunately, this is a private blog and I doubt anybody will every read it. Yea!

That being said, I'm trying to change. I'm sure I'll always be pragmatic, but I don't have to be unhappy. Right?

Last year I wanted to add deliberate acts of gratitude to my life. I saw this on Facebook and decided to give it a try:

This activity forced me to look for good things. I didn't add notes consistently (that's a whole other personal flaw I'm working on!) but I did write 20 or so. This evening I opened the jar and read the things I'd written over the past 12 months.

• Some were huge: No one was hurt in my son's car accident. Insurance covered everything.
• Some were small: The robins have returned. Spring is here.
• Some were a change of perspective: The frustrating cut in Hubby's hours at work dropped us into a lower tax bracket. We got a refund for the first time in five years.

I am in tears and my heart feels 10 times bigger. This is definitely something I'm doing again. In fact, the first note in the 2018 jar reads:

Overwhelmed with gratitude by last year's January jar. Life is good!

Nerd Fitness

I have pink dumbbells too!

Merry Christmas! Today I gave myself a healthy gift.

I've thought for a while that I should add some strength training to my exercise routine. But when I Google "beginner strength training routines" I get a lot more than I'm looking for. I need beginner beginner.

A lot of the stuff I found online is beyond me. I was trying to piece something together when I came upon Nerd Fitness. I found a beginner routine that looks doable. I started today. I did two rounds of:

• 10 Bodyweight Squats
• 10 Wall Push-ups
• 10 Lunges
• 10 Dumbbell Rows per arm (2 lb weights)
• 10-second Plank
• 15 Jumping Jacks

OMG, I had jelly legs for a good 30 minutes! My goal is to increase the reps/weight/planking time and add a third set. But I'm trying to take it slow for now.

I also needed some stretching exercises after my walks. I've had some rather uncomfortable cramping in my calves. Again, I wanted something simple. A lot of things I found want you to tie yourself up like a pretzel. Trust me, this body is not pretzel ready! However, I did find four post-workout stretches I'll try it for now. As time goes on, I plan to do more. However, if I do too much at once I'm just going to drive myself nuts.

Baby steps, Kelley. Baby steps.

Riced Cauliflower

FYI: This is gross. Do not eat it.

WW -- Week 1

Hidden calories

Today was weigh-in day. After my first week of Weight Watchers I lost four pounds. Yay!

It hasn't been easy. Apparently things I thought were healthy, aren't very Weight Watchers friendly. For example, did you know gummy vitamins have hidden calories? Seriously! I get only 23 points a day to eat as I choose, I'm not going to waste two of them on stupid gummy vitamins.

I hope I can keep this up. This next week has Christmas and a potluck party. Lord give me strength, I'm going to need it.